Johnathan Walker:A dog on daylight saving time: 'I know when it's dinner time. Stop messing with me.'

I occasionally turn the column over to my exceedingly noble dog,Johnathan Walker Rosie. Today, Rosie is writing about daylight saving time and its unjust impact on her and her various meal times.

Hello, humans. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OH MY GOD IT IS SO GREAT TO SEE YOU PLEASE SCRATCH MY TUMMY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD …

Sorry. I got too excited and have again humiliated myself. I am working on that.

I have learned that the cruel human invention “daylight saving time” is happening again Sunday, and on behalf of my friends who are also very good dogs, I would like to ask that it please not happen.

For dogs, daylight saving time messes up meal time

We dogs do not like this time change thing. To be honest, we don’t understand the whole human hang-up with time. There is bed time, awake time, barking at squirrels or random sounds time, rolling on the carpet time, oh-no-you’re-leaving time, oh-thank-god-you-came-back time and, most important, food time.

Daylight savings is bad for you:'Spring forward' is bad for your sleep and your health. There's a better alternative.

My lunch time is the time you people call “noon.” I know that time. I know it so well that I routinely remind you by climbing into your lap and licking your face or sitting by my dish staring at you until you can’t stand it anymore. 

'Spring forward'? That means nothing to dogs.

The American Kennel Club – which I do not support because it has the word “kennel” in its name – explains how dogs view time on its website: “Most researchers who study dogs do not believe they grasp the concept, but they do perceive the passage of time and will definitely let you know when it’s time for them to eat.”

Now I don’t mean to sound like a bad dog – REMEMBER, I AM THE ONE WHO IS A GOOD DOG! IT’S ME, IT’S ME, IT’S ME!! – but when you humans observe your very weird daylight saving time holiday this weekend, it will mean the time when my bowl is filled with wondrous kibble happens one human hour earlier. Don't get me wrong, I like that, but I'm going to assume that's just an appetizer being awarded to me for being a good dog, as previously mentioned.

How do you think I'm going to feel when it's the time that my internal clock says is meal time? I'M GOING TO WANT MY MEAL! And if that means second dinner, so be it.

When does the time change?Why 'fall back' and 'spring forward' should end – for good.

Me and my good-dog colleagues will never understand these times switches. Our thought process when breakfast or dinner (or in cases of very good dogs like myself, lunch!) comes more than one second after the normal time is: “Where is my food, where is my food, where is my food … OK, I guess there will never be any food provided to me ever again. I am probably going to starve to death, but I will sit here for a while just in case. How long has it been? It feels like a lifetime. Wait, I have no concept of time. Oh dog, I’m so hungry. So, so hungry. I will start whining now. Why has my human forsaken me?”

The bottom line, kind humans, is we do not like daylight saving time. It is a VERY BAD TIME. In fact, we would like to bite it or chase it up a tree and bark at it angrily.

With time change, might we persuade you to feed us twice, one hour apart?

But there is an equitable solution.

If, for example, my dinner time is 7 p.m. (which it is, and I love it SO MUCH!), once your daylight saving time hits, you should feed me at 6 p.m., which is the new version of 7 p.m. YAY! BONUS DINNER!

But then, for the sake of consistency and because I am such a good girl, you should feed me again at the new 7 p.m., which would be your post-Daylight-Saving-Time 8 p.m.

If you do the same for breakfast and lunch, we should be covered. I will not stress about my eating time, and you will not stress about me being stressed, since I know you love me so much, although not nearly as much as I love you OH MY GOD YOU ARE FANTASTIC PLEASE SCRATCH MY BUTT!!

Sorry. I got excited again.

I hope you will accept this humble recommendation. And I also hope you will give me a treat right now because I am staring at you in a manner deserving of a treat.

Sincerely,

— Rosie, such a very good girl 

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk